Sunday, April 24, 2011

He loves me he loves me not

whos out der dare any body lysten to what i got to say maybe not cus its kinda sorta crazy n my brain only i can put togetha such words dey make me look like i sound kinda good i wanna go there to that place were im happy were im herd were the plp celabrate me sining on my self but as i feel it it feel good but it hurt i learnd to fall madly inlove wit the pain he cut me he burned me n i moaned wit pleaseure i beged him to stop oohhhhh no dnt stop keep goin stab me again set my soul afire brreak my heart breat my heart treat me as if im nothing i love the pain ill love u jus killl me jus slice up my arm like u did heart i usta cud tell the diffrece between pain and pleasure only thing that keeps me goin is the repetion of 1 Corinthians 13:4 in my head n i kw he loves me n i kw love isnt spose to hurt!

Dreaming so vividly

i had a dream i was runnin from 4 young men n they were tryna rape me i kept runing so fast untill i realized i was dreamin so i jus jumped of the 5o story building i was running arnd becus for sum reason that was the only way...and dreammoods says if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears but i dnt kw what it cud besides growing up n liveing life there is no drastic drama n my life at the moment im n skool i have all the wrks n un heartbroken kinda but its like im liveing and settlein for less n i jus go that feelin were i wanna be done with life already cus im stuck settlein for less n i hate it....there was alot more goin on such as jumping over shit like super women which means that i will eventually achieve your desires and goals after some effort and struggle.but thats the problem i dnt wanna try i jus want it all handed to me but i guess i kw what dis mean huh?? till later i guess

Monday, April 18, 2011

bleedin rainbows

ok so ima try my best to find a free art class n chattanooga i need it like da air i breath bein creative is soo fukin expencive but i need to do sum other kid of expression besides takein pics of myself i think its become an obbseccion dat personally im tierd of cus i keep takein pics n i never get the disired result im goin be a famous artist one day ...i gotta b thats gonna b my mission this summer try to find a job make dat best outa skool n make what i do best n give it a story hmmmm dats it for now this the last regular post fashion to cum to cum to cum

Sunday, April 17, 2011

keep it sexi keep it simple keep it fun!

ok ok ok this my last pitty party entry after dis its gonna b all about fashion n photogrphy which wat it was spose to be then it turned nto a place to vent ok were do i start....ok i met dis really nice guy nick name happy really suits him cus he really tends to make me happy theeeeeeeeeeen i went n start doin my usual bitchy i need attention mood i get n start drivein him away we are really good friends we have so much fun togetha i jus hope i dnt fuk it up bout time he leave cus when he do cum back he anit gone wanna cum back n hang wit me so n away im explainin myself n sayin sorry its jus been my way of drivein boys that like me a way subconsicencely it cud be on pourpose but he's way to awsome ..sum plp say its my way of tryin to get n a realationship but im not but its jus dat i started catchin feelins but im tryna keep it light so when summer cum i wont miss him as much im ready to buckle dwn on skool findin a job n getin a car or scooter havein sidekick n da side cart lmao makein summer the best i eva had so ima keep it light keep it sexi im jus 19 i cnt keep doin this to myself ...im gonna stop drivein plp away cus were jus tryna have fun but them my bipolar kick n n i start trip ugh lol perks of bein a gemini huh lol yea dats what ima blame it on lol

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I love em!

so yea i was chillin wit a friend today p.s hes so choclate n sexii lol jus how i like em but he was playin beautiful gospal musik n i jus felt so far from God lysten to that musik i mean n dis horrable world i kw sumtimes plp think he isnt real n when im dwn n out n feel like blamein sumbdy besides me i say he came b then automaticlly say sorry i kw he is cus i kw dats jus me bein ingreatful talkin ...wow i ramble alot i got off subject kinda...but anyway he play plp get ready a gospal song idk who sing but i kw i song it alot n the choir i mean its tru when they God gives u a talent n if u dnt use he takes it away cus i usta sing beautifully lol now i dnt even like the sound of my own voice tlkin but the one really tru reason y i kw for a fact that their is a God is because she loved him n she belived him she is my stepgrandmother best person i eva met . i think my life wud be way better if he wuda let her stick arnd but i guess it was her time i was so mad for a long time when he took her away i still think of her to this day im tryna change for her she was the only person besides God himself i looked up to ....ok i got more to say but i gotta go back to class ..one compleate thought i love My God so me becus he love me back wit no conditions ....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

i never waas a hero

all i wanted to do is b a hero all i eva wondered n life was y is der so much pain n da world wen i was younger i thought i cud change it i was so sesitve i cried wen i saw fights becuse i wonder y dey wud wanna hurt sumbdy n y dey was so mean to each other now dat im 18 i still dnt kw y i never can get dat mad even if i wanted to i always cryed wen sumone screamed at me it hurt me ive been called a crybaby i jus was sad cus i had to witness all da hate n pain da world plp told me der story n i cried bcause i saw n felt der pain dey held n side i jus wanted to reach nto der soul n take all da pain away n i kw if u take all da pain sumwere it will have to go sumwere i wu take it all i will suffer wit it nside me jus to see everybody happy n ive noticed dat dat sounds like sumone i kw n dats Jesus he's already done wat ive ben tryna do my whole life n dats b a hero to everyone n anyone dat had pain nside dem but i noticed dat i dnt have dat kind of power all i eva wated to see happyness bet u like how cud sumbdy b so sensitive how cud sumbdy not wen i love sumbdy i love hard n wit all i got i never hold back so now i see myself wishin i cud play God im not a hero i jus wish i was i wish i cud take all da pain 4m da world away but never will i ever have dat power i bared dis cross 4 so long n its heavy im ready to let it go never will i ever b a hero myb jus mayb i learn to pray n give thanx to da reall hero i jus want da pain of and n da world to end!!!

loner

i was never afraid to stand alone i was always the loner but its kinda funny cus i hate ben a lonely and i always find my self alone wit jus me and my thought talkin to my self ahtein mysef then turnin around n lovein myself cus who else will i stayed to my self cus i loved my self and i never wanted to change for any body till i got lonely den i tried bein like her cus she had so many friends an it looked like they were havein a good tme i wanted dat but i stood alone cus i hate how everyone was the same but bme wantein to be myself i always found myself alone cus no one understood i jus wanted to saty tru to my self so i stood thir all alone with my head held hi and a smile on my face silently because i had nothing to say tho i had much to say plp wud not like me cus wat i had to say tho im not the typ that worry bout wat plp say more so how they say it or y or wat hey do cus they were so crul i looked around n thought i fukin ruled indeed cus i loved me i started to grow and found out most of the reasons y i stood solo was cus i didnt wanna get hurt becus i was like no other n i wasnt finna change for anyone but i found myself changein for eery one cus i was tierd of bein alone ..but i was born alone i shall die alone i kinda wanted to make a statement a statement that says plp will still love u if ur tru to ur self and love ur self and i have yet to prove dat because im alone and standin alone n so unloved ....pretty gurl with a potty mouth heart that keeps getin broken but for sum stupid as reason still loves....not the brightest but will light up the room and make eeryone smile or is it that im jus phycin myself out hell idk gotta lotta shit to learn n yes ima leave dis with a random no endin cus im not dead yet but my eyes are getin pretty heavy so ima leave it b

.

cant pray

Sumen happen long da way as she grew up for sum strange reason she grew dumb n blind cus once opan a time she saw things clear but as she grew her vision started to fade see the glass she was lookin out of was once clear but sumone jus kept throwin rocks called heartbreak at da window n da glass is jus so cracked she cant see out da window anymore so she continue to look n pretend all is well pretend thers no crack but shes cryin and her vision is blurd cus she cant see threw da tears she try to pretend dey arnt der laf laf laf n jus joke offd da pain as if wasnt eatin her alive "oh no fuk dat ima big girl now" she said she said whats da point of prayin when u feel guilty when u do cus im un worthy of him keep forgivein me when i kw deep dwn ima keep doin it isnt it any wonder i kant be blessed but shes said she love him and she keep a wantin to ask for things but feel she dnt desrve em but mayb she dnt but she shud try praying again i jus dnt wanna b sad again ...i ment she dnt shes tierd of cry

it hurt so good

the pain is startin to fell good to me cud i dare b this awsome wit no flaws at all but i do i dared to love sumone n thought they loved me back but they didnt they love the way i felt on the inside he said he loved me but yet i felt so empty i cried damn near everyday i haue grown so accustemd to the pain i startd to like it or at least think i like i cause pain to myself cus i have no clue on how to b happy ive cried for help from beast n the all mity now what jus enjoy the pain while its last
.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Kid Cudi - Don't Play This Song

i am sin

im sin does dat make me a bad person , i smoke weed and i love it i watch porn cus i refuse to have sex does dat make me a bad person , i tell my lil brotha to shut the fuk up does dat make me a bad person ,i kw n say evvery curse word eva made am i a bad person i masterbate uncotrolably am i a bad person i eat jus cus its der does dat make me a bad person i flirt to get what i want i make others feel bad for makein me feel bad does dat make me a bad person i lysten to rock n roll i lysten to country i lysten to rnb n rap does dat make me a bad person lmaooooooooooooooooooo i cheated on him wit him then ended up lovein him then he broke my heart den i likes him but he dnt like me am i a bad person let me know plz let me kw

Saturday, March 26, 2011

traped in my mind

i feel safe here but then i start to go crazy cus i cant dare get out this mutha fuka ....to be continued

Monday, March 21, 2011

finally free

i loved him i cried over him he broke my heart i cursed him i hated him but the lord he love me he here my cry he heal my broken heart cus i came to him now that otha guy im able to forgive him but the memory refuse to stay n da abbys of my mind i guess ill rember it as a lesson learnd ......he used and abouse me many times and i allowed him to i loved him more than anything in this wolrd ....my feelins writein n dis blog entry doesnt hurt that much n things arnt flowing out like they usally do i guess becuse i prayed n he took all my anger n hurt away im ok im beautiful ....IM FINALLY FREE .... ....now i can smile and really mean it ....im here to say im gonna now on live a life of c becus i will never make that mistake ever again i will have sumone truly n honestly fall madly inlove wit me cus i know i deserve it n God knows thats all i truly want !!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

my heart hurt

i anit got no weed so i guess ill write in dis stupid as blog n vent goshlee i hate how im feelin rite now i recently kwit smokein i anit smoked since da nite of my last blog called smoke free but i cud really use a blunt rite now idk y i feel like i need sumbdy im jus so tierd of bein lonley i been tryin to have sex wit a certain dude but he anit havein it n den i be like fuk it n try to do sumbdy else i cant even bring myself to fukin do it its like i cant even sin if i wanted to like im tryna get a blunt n its like sumen want let me get one my ex i recently deleted out my life i think i put dat n my last blog if not here it go i told him i was still in love wit him n i dnt wanna b his friend or buddy he ttlk to every otha mounth man fuk dat he got me to the point were i feel im not good enuf for anybody i dnt got lowself esteem cus im too full of myself but im sho is damn sad as fuk n the weed i been tryna get to wuda took all these bad feelins away n as i write dis i deiscover y my daddy a crack mybe jus maybe he was jus like me always felt pain n the drug came n took it away im sittin here jus 19 dependin on dis drug cus plp keep hurtin me plp keep breakin me dwn i get up n feel great for a while den back dwn i go mannnn damn i got dreams like wtf ima artist ima fashion designer im famous im rich ...welll at least not yet but im sayin i beeen prayin i been prayin i been prayin what do i do nxt this shit crazy all i wanna do is cry i wish i had sumone to lysten i kw i can tlk to god but he wont tlk back sumone of this earth that really gives any kind a fuk about me to make me feel loved ....i jus wanna cry i want sumbdy to hold me n tell me its ok im tierd of physcin myself up jus feel like shit da nxt day i gotta fukin headace n i feel like shit on a stick rite now i honsetly jus wanna die im already dead inside u my say u can be cus u got to much to say well my muthafukin heart hurt can u help me plz cus literly my heart has been feelin like sumbody is squezzein it to death ...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

smoke free

so im at skool now done fuked up n wlked out damn near cused out my teacher on dat sleepy shit cus a nigga was high so im tryna kwit for many reasons n dis one ben one more im not tryna look old im too damn full of my self for dat n da worse thing is dat i jus use dudes dat use me for their weed im jus glad im da smart one out of the dudes i take weed from cus i get what i want which is weed n dey neva get what dey want cus i keep me a good excuse..sex is what dey want but im not wit dat shit n im so ova dis shit im dealin wit dats y im bout to kwit ....ight im out bout to go back to class i guess jus had to tlk to sumbdy who cares ....anybody dat read dis damn blog...

Sunday, February 27, 2011

gahh wat to damn do

ok so i got dis dang on blog so ima put dis bitch more to use ....ok so to anyone dat cares im n da healin process days are gettin better slowly but sure im tryna cut dis person dat has left scars apon my heart go n let em go forever or untill the scars fade gosh i dnt kw what to do but he wont let me let go but at da same time he only wants me when he feel its convintient for him ...uhhh im scared whats gonna happen dis summer hes gonna come back home n gonna want me to be wit him ...ok ion wanna tlk about him any more i wanna tlk about my sis den again mayb not cus i mite start cryin n im already sick n ion wanna deal wit dat shit ok maybe nxt time..finna sleep now

Friday, February 11, 2011

some thoughts

damn i got dandruff like a muthafuka y blog dis idk i jus write dwn what comes out n dats what came thogh it got nunen to do what im bout to tlk about uhhhh...so man i find myself tryna fakk inlove with any and everybody the last post i figrued dat out but my bruh bruh reinsured me of what i already knew im very selfcentered so im well aware of my self so i kw im n da healin process so now dick for me is off limet cus i fukied uo n confuse lust wit love so im tryna find me again learn to fall in love wit me again ...uhh dats it for now i decided not to write everything on fb my family thinks im fukin phyco shid maybe i am but i kw im fukin missunderstood by most plp but the plp that embrace my diffrences fall in love wit me everyone else jus fear what de dnt kw shid fine by me cus i grow attached to plpto kwik n if dey do me wrong i cry for a long time so im startin to ramble so ill end it here...wish i had a blunt

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

kwit fukin me deep bitch

i jus imagaine how betta i cuda been if i had ur love if i was never forced to get fuked by him him and him if u loved me the way i neeedded to i only felt love when i felt the dick in me see i fuked up and confused love wit sex i wanna dick but hurt so bad i wanted love so much but it hurt so bad sumen i want so much shud neva hurt dis bad .....u were the first man to break my heart i cant do nunen bout it nitha can u but u dnt deserve me u forgot to love me so u wont here from me till my heart is healed....u got that power that i refuse to give to any other guythe power to keep me from movein on the power of self destrution they say shudnt blame u n rise above yo faults ...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011